How Many Times?

A prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian:

How many times have I promised, yet every time I failed to keep my word.  But disregard this, according to Your grace.

Grant forgiveness, O Lord, and send strength.  Convert me, that I might live in sanctity, according to Your holy will.  Sanctify my heart that has become a den and dwelling place of demons.

I am unworthy to ask forgiveness for myself, O Lord, for many times have I promised to repent and proved myself a liar by not fulfilling my promise.  You have picked me up many times already, but every time I freely choose to fall again.

Therefore I condemn myself and admit that I deserve all manner of punishment and torture.  How many times have You enlightened my darkened mind?  Yet every time, I return again to base thoughts!  My whole body trembles when I contemplate this; yet every time sinful sensuality reconquers me.

How shall I recount all the gifts of Your grace, O Lord, that I, the pitiful one, have received?  Yet I have reduced them all to nothing by my apathy - and I continue in this manner.  You have bestowed on me thousands of gifts, yet miserable me, I offer in return things repulsive to You.

Yet You, O Lord, contain a sea of long suffering and an abyss of kindness.  Do not allow me to be felled like a fruitless fig tree, and do not let me be burned without having ripened on the field of life.  Do not snatch me away unprepared, do not seize me, who has not yet lit his lamp.  Do not take me away as I have no wedding garment.  But because You are good and You love us, have mercy on me.  Give me time to repent, and do not place my soul stripped naked before Your terrible and unwavering throne as a pitiful spectacle of infamy.

If a righteous man can barely be saved, then where will I end up, I who am lawless and sinful?  If the path that leads to life is straight and narrow, then how can I be granted such good things, I who have lived a life of luxury, indulging in my own pleasures and dissipation?  But You, O Lord, my Savior, Son of the true God, as You know and desire by Your grace alone, freely turn me away from the sin that abides in me and save me from ruin.